a tough day on a beautiful one

A tough day on a beautiful one...

Sorry it has been a while since I have last blogged to all my followers- I have just had the urge to blog tonight. Many of you have already received news of my Papa Jim's passing last night. His 83rd birthday is today! It is hard to be happy on such a beautiful day but the Lord is slowly pulling me through this storm and without him I do not think I would be able to survive through this sudden nightmare. I haven't really wanted to talk to anyone since I've heard the news but talking with friends and family always helps. Thats one of my weaknesses that I need to work on. Please pray for communication and strength. Papa Jim was one of the liveliest people I have ever met. I looked up to him. He had a lot of my dad in him and being with Papa Jim was like being with my dad. I can't even begin to tell you of my hurt since hearing of his passing last night. Its a sad sad thing. To be so shocked at such a sudden death. Papa Jim was in great health! I mean GREAT health when I say it. He got up before sunrise every morning and walked. He was the happiest man and lived life to the fullest I can bet you that. Never in a million years would I have expected him to die of heart failure. I think this is so hard for me because we had just started getting really close. I talked to him once a week, he gave me advice on so much, and we formed a great relationship right at the end. One thing I regret is not spending enough time. But theres never enough time, is there. I have learned today how fragile life really is. I have been living knowing this but it has not really hit me this hard until last night. I was young when my dad passed away so in a sense this is about as hard as when I was 12. All of the memories of grief and pain are revisiting me.

I talked to Papa Jim on Monday night around 7:00 after one of my night classes. I could hear his face light up when he heard my voice. He loved it when I called :)  We talked for about 30 minutes and I had told him that I wanted to come up with Marcus one of these weekends we didn't have anything going on. He got so happy. He loved spending time with me and Marcus, and I just know he wanted to do it so much more often. He told me he had been really tired but went to the Doctor that morning and they said everything was fine. Papa Jim never complains. about anything. I just jokingly said ah yeah its just the Monday night tiredness just eat some of that soup and get on to bed. Little did I know this would be his last Monday night. And through his tiredness and weakness, he was happy. We talked about a lot of stuff, I specifically remember talking about the snow and he was saying how beautiful it was I asked did you get to go out and build a snowman? Man I sure do miss that loud laugh of his. I can hear him right now saying "you bet" and laughing up a storm. We talked about the house next door that he had bought, redone, and finished. He was so impressed with that house. When I visited him sometime in September/October he was telling me he bought it because he wanted to be responsible for the new family addition to the neighborhood. He saw a dog in the backyard, a nice couple and a few kids running around. Thats what he loved. He loved company. He told me he had not sold it yet, there had been some people looking at it but he thinks they were scared of the price and no one had made him an offer on it yet. He really wanted that house to be sold by the new year. But his calm voice just told me on Monday I'm not even worried about it Catherine, I know we'll get some good people in there soon. I have adored everyone who has looked at it. Last night while I was talking to Aunt Deb on the phone we were talking about the house. I said I'm sad that he didn't get to see anyone move in. She said as a matter of fact there was a lady in the house today for about two hours. I think she seemed pretty interested. Crazy how God works, huh. Please pray for a nice family to move in next door to Papa Jim so we can keep his dreams a reality.

Christmas 2002 my dad had given Papa Jim tickets to the Masters in April 2003 for them to go together. Papa Jim said he wanted to do that before he died. So my dad made it happen. Unfortunately my dad passed away April 3, 2003 so Papa Jim was unable to live his dream at the Masters with my dad. Uncle Johnny, who my dad had gotten the tickets from, said that whenever Papa Jim wanted to go to the Masters to just call him up and he will set him and Marcus up with a set of tickets. Papa Jim wrote to Uncle Johnny and explained to him that he wanted to take Marcus to the Masters with him in 2011. It was just a month or so before the Masters and Uncle Johnny said why don't I just give you guys tickets for this April 2010? Papa Jim took Marcus to the Masters April 2010. What a blessing it was for Uncle Johnny to get them those tickets for last year, because Papa Jim just wouldn't have made it in 2011. Now how GREAT is our God, another reassuring moment right there :) Papa Jim got to live his dream and I know Marcus will treasure those memories forever.

I wish there had been more time and I miss Papa Jim so very much I texted him at 11 pm last night and said "One more hour until your BIRTHDAY.... sorry if this wakes you up... will call you tomorrow :) lots of love!!!" About 20 minutes later my mom had walked in the door crying and told me Papa Jim had died driving home from work and he had a heart attack and ran off the road. I didn't believe her and kept saying are you sure how do you know ... I just didn't want to believe it. I tried calling Papa Jim when I got into my room but he didn't answer. Last night was hard. So is tonight. I have just been wanting to talk to him all day. I miss him. But thats me just being selfish. I know that he probably had one of the best birthdays today celebrating with Grandma Veda and dad... I know he was so happy to see them. Papa Jim never feared death and I know he never feared it because he was excited to be with dad and grandma Veda again and I know they opened him with big open arms last night just before they could all celebrate his birthday together... and that gives me strength, warmth, and hope. I tried to reflect on life and remember him today on his birthday and it was just so hard. It was so beautiful out today- going from snowy weather to being in the 70s in January and I just couldn't find peace. I am trying to seek God in the difficult times, but its hard to do, especially when I am being selfish. I just miss my Papa Jim and really want to have one more conversation with him. 

Papa Jim was a dreamer and a man who lived his dreams. He got out there and experienced life and thats what I love about him. His compassion to everyone gives me encouragement and helps me spread compassion. I know my life will be better because of this man. And all I can do is thank God for the time I was able to spend with him and what a blessing he was to be in my life for as long as he was. I can surely thank the wonderful God for that! Its a blessing that I was able to call him when I did and see him when I could. He was finally able to come to West Point and see my dads favorite place (I know he talked a lot to Papa Jim about this)- Old Waverly! 

He was also able to come to my 19th birthday:

He got to see Marcus graduate from Highschool- 

And finally- he was able to spend time with us at Mom and Mikes wedding. I know he did it for me and Marcus because he said he knew we wanted him there with us. We sure did and we sure will cherish him being there for us forever. I love that about that man- he puts his grandkids first and their best interests at heart. He would do anything for us and I am so thankful that he had the opportunity to be there with us. Unfortunately this was the last time we got to see him, but I am so grateful that we did get to see him and spend time with him. Although he spent more time in his car driving to MS than he did at the wedding, I am happy to have the memories and the time. Time is fragile. 

Papa Jim has lived his dreams and has done what he has wanted to do. He sure has inspired me to dream big and to go after my dreams thats for sure, and thats what I am going to do from here on out in memory of such a great man- I am going to go after my dreams until they become a reality :) Hes seen hes experienced hes lived and hes now in a place with no pain while we are the ones left hurting for him. Please pray for me, my brother, my mom, Uncle Jimmy, Aunt Barbara, Aunt Deb, Uncle Chris, Sarah, Jason, and all other friends and family of Papa Jim who are hurting from the loss of such a special man. We are so blessed to have had the time we did with him and it is so easy for us to forget that. So I pray that through our mourning and our loss, we can reflect, rejoice and celebrate the life of our one and only Papa Jim! 

Happy 83rd birthday today, I love you!

back home- missing everything

I think thats what I labeled my title last year when I arrived home from Ghana "back home- missing everything" 

But its true. its so true. I can't even wrap my mind around it. And its even harder trying to explain my experience with people, especially people who don't understand. Its a God thing really, and I guess people just don't understand this. This is my calling and I have been called to go to Ghana, or else I simply would not be going. Its as simple and easy as that. When I try and tell my family and mom that I am going back again over the summer they just kinda look at me and are like do what? Catherine, you can't just go back just as easy as that. And I know its not just as easy as that. What is as easy as that? Nothing is but when you are suppose to go somewhere and are suppose to be doing something, then God will provide. Because God is faithful. I guess its just something they don't understand and its hard for them to grasp. But I pray that my family will continue to support me and lift me up rather than question me and doubt me. Because this is my calling, and it would be selfish for me to deny my own calling from my own creator. With that being said, I hope this blog will somehow startle your minds and open your eyes and your ears to our world around us. Because it is not all fun and games on the outside, but God is there in the midst of it all. 

As much as I love being home with my friends and family; I cannot stop thinking about life in Africa and all the kids. Life is so different, and its hard to say that I like being over there more than I do over here. We can inform people and encourage them on the circumstances which surround us, but they will not open their eyes to the beauty until they have accepted God and start their walk with Him. I honestly do not think you can be happy without God in your life. I've been talking with my good sister Audrey a lot, and we are both just having a really hard time getting back into this culture and struggling with being home. As much as we try and explain to our family and friends about our trip, they just won't understand like we do, and they just won't realize until they have experienced what we have experienced. Its a very hard thing to try to explain something to someone when they just haven't had the same experience as you. At one point Audrey and I were joking around saying that when we get home we're just going to have to hand our journals to our families and say here just read and maybe you'll understand. Its just a really hard thing to understand. 

I'm just going to read a little from what I have written in my journal during my stay in Ghana:

December 15, 2010:

As we were driving through town today going to the orphanage, I saw so much poverty. Not just any kind of poverty but poverty to the extreme, it opened my eyes. I don't know if it was just Gods grace or what but we drove through that part of town everyday last year and I saw the same stuff today as I did over the summer but it occured to me this morning that in the middle of it all, all of the poverty, that God was right there in the center. A huge church stands firm and tall right in the center of it all. He is reminding us that everything will be absolutely okay, for he has put us through all of our sufferings. I found that church standing there today to be so comforting. I hope the Ghanaians find it as comforting as I have. Everything will be okay, and this brings me much hope :) 

December 16, 2010:

Tonight at dinner something horrible happened and startled our minds completely. Before dinner I talked to Kwami, Evance, and Richmond for a while. They told me they were hungry and they would meet us behind again where we ate dinner and we would feed them the rice and fish we had left over from dinner. Kwami, 8, told me the rice was very good last night. At dinner, once again, Adam filled up a huge waterbottle filled with rice and fish and passed it through the fence. They ate it right by the fence by the table where we sat so we could watch them through the holes. not but 15 minutes later we heard loud screams and they screamed Adam, Adam. We looked through, Adam ran over to the fence and yelled. There was a man beating the kids and they were screaming back we didn't do anything to this man! Adam was literally about to jump the fence he was yelling leave them leave them. It was probably one of the worst things ever and I didn't even see what happened. All I could think about were those poor poor boys. They were just hungry. 

December 19, 2010:

Today after church Kwami was walking back with me holding my hand. He put my hand on his stomach and just said hungry. It broke my heart. I tried to make the situation better by tickling him and saying is your tummy hungry is your tummy hungry to try and make him laugh but I was breaking inside and I could only imagine what he was feeling inside. Even through his laughter on the outside, I knew he was hurting on the inside. I told him I would get him food and not to worry because Jesus was with him through everything and he would understand this soon. We got back to our hotel and I decided to lay down for a little while before lunch. About 5 minutes later Audrey came into my room and said Kwami was outside the back fence asking for me and saying he was hungry. Theres been lots of talk as to where the food is going and whos eating it and all that. Regardless, it is not fun to be a starving 8 year old asking a white man for food because you are hungry. Regardless they are starving. Someone is asking for food and why should I be eating in front of these starving little kids? I feel so guilty. So today before lunch me and Audrey went to the front gate to meet Kwami. I brought out some peanuts and she brought out some candy. I was pouring some peanuts in his hands and he was putting them all in his pocket. His whole little pocket was filled with peanuts. Thoughts were running through my head. Was someone asking him to get food from us and taking advantage of him? Or was he so hungry that he was going to just save them for later, for after we left, when he ran out of food and was more starving than he was now. Whatever the case, I was feeling for him and my heart broke for this poor brother of mine. A couple of nights ago Kwami took all the rice from his brothers at dinner when we gave them the waterbottle filled with rice. So today when we were outside giving Kwami peanuts and he was putting them in his pockets I looked at Audrey and said somethings not right. I looked in Kwamis eyes and said Kwami remember that night you took all the rice from your brothers? He nodded. I said who ate that rice? He said nothing. I said did you eat that rice? He nodded.Because you were hungry? More nodding. Not even seconds later, mouth filled with peanuts, he was crying his eyes out. I was on my knees staring in the eyes of an 8 year old in Africa who was trying to tell us something but he was too scared. I said, trying to hold my tears back but it wasn't working, Kwami is someone being mean to you? He said I can't say. Audrey said Kwami you can tell us because we need to help you ok? He said ok but still wouldn't say anything. We said is your uncle mean to you? He, still crying hysterically, nodded his head. Trying to understand the situation and what he was saying, it just didn't matter. It didn't matter who was eating the food it didnt matter that they could barely speak English. It didnt matter what their living situation was or what their family background was. None of that mattered why were we wasting our time trying to figure it all out? What did matter was that this malnurished starving 8 year old in Africa was hungry. And it was my duty, from the Lord, to give him food. Regardless of who says waht and who (if anyone) asks him to get food from us, I will continue feeding him with the word of Christ along with food. Because it is obvious to me that he is hungry. It is embarrasing and shameful first off to even ask someone you barely know and can barely understand for food. So theres no doubt in my mind that he is hungry. 

Lord, thank you for breaking me so that I can grow. Thank you for opening my eyes and making me aware. It shouldn't have taken 20 years for me to realize everything wasn't perfect in the world. Thank you for giving me this awareness and this calling to help your children and my brothers and sisters. I pray that I will inspire others to raise awareness and support for our brothers and sisters suffering like Kwami, Evance, and Richmond around the world. I pray that I will be able to see my brothers once again and I think about them daily. My heart is broken and waiting for you to heal. Thank you for breaking me.