back home- missing everything

I think thats what I labeled my title last year when I arrived home from Ghana "back home- missing everything" 

But its true. its so true. I can't even wrap my mind around it. And its even harder trying to explain my experience with people, especially people who don't understand. Its a God thing really, and I guess people just don't understand this. This is my calling and I have been called to go to Ghana, or else I simply would not be going. Its as simple and easy as that. When I try and tell my family and mom that I am going back again over the summer they just kinda look at me and are like do what? Catherine, you can't just go back just as easy as that. And I know its not just as easy as that. What is as easy as that? Nothing is but when you are suppose to go somewhere and are suppose to be doing something, then God will provide. Because God is faithful. I guess its just something they don't understand and its hard for them to grasp. But I pray that my family will continue to support me and lift me up rather than question me and doubt me. Because this is my calling, and it would be selfish for me to deny my own calling from my own creator. With that being said, I hope this blog will somehow startle your minds and open your eyes and your ears to our world around us. Because it is not all fun and games on the outside, but God is there in the midst of it all. 

As much as I love being home with my friends and family; I cannot stop thinking about life in Africa and all the kids. Life is so different, and its hard to say that I like being over there more than I do over here. We can inform people and encourage them on the circumstances which surround us, but they will not open their eyes to the beauty until they have accepted God and start their walk with Him. I honestly do not think you can be happy without God in your life. I've been talking with my good sister Audrey a lot, and we are both just having a really hard time getting back into this culture and struggling with being home. As much as we try and explain to our family and friends about our trip, they just won't understand like we do, and they just won't realize until they have experienced what we have experienced. Its a very hard thing to try to explain something to someone when they just haven't had the same experience as you. At one point Audrey and I were joking around saying that when we get home we're just going to have to hand our journals to our families and say here just read and maybe you'll understand. Its just a really hard thing to understand. 

I'm just going to read a little from what I have written in my journal during my stay in Ghana:

December 15, 2010:

As we were driving through town today going to the orphanage, I saw so much poverty. Not just any kind of poverty but poverty to the extreme, it opened my eyes. I don't know if it was just Gods grace or what but we drove through that part of town everyday last year and I saw the same stuff today as I did over the summer but it occured to me this morning that in the middle of it all, all of the poverty, that God was right there in the center. A huge church stands firm and tall right in the center of it all. He is reminding us that everything will be absolutely okay, for he has put us through all of our sufferings. I found that church standing there today to be so comforting. I hope the Ghanaians find it as comforting as I have. Everything will be okay, and this brings me much hope :) 

December 16, 2010:

Tonight at dinner something horrible happened and startled our minds completely. Before dinner I talked to Kwami, Evance, and Richmond for a while. They told me they were hungry and they would meet us behind again where we ate dinner and we would feed them the rice and fish we had left over from dinner. Kwami, 8, told me the rice was very good last night. At dinner, once again, Adam filled up a huge waterbottle filled with rice and fish and passed it through the fence. They ate it right by the fence by the table where we sat so we could watch them through the holes. not but 15 minutes later we heard loud screams and they screamed Adam, Adam. We looked through, Adam ran over to the fence and yelled. There was a man beating the kids and they were screaming back we didn't do anything to this man! Adam was literally about to jump the fence he was yelling leave them leave them. It was probably one of the worst things ever and I didn't even see what happened. All I could think about were those poor poor boys. They were just hungry. 

December 19, 2010:

Today after church Kwami was walking back with me holding my hand. He put my hand on his stomach and just said hungry. It broke my heart. I tried to make the situation better by tickling him and saying is your tummy hungry is your tummy hungry to try and make him laugh but I was breaking inside and I could only imagine what he was feeling inside. Even through his laughter on the outside, I knew he was hurting on the inside. I told him I would get him food and not to worry because Jesus was with him through everything and he would understand this soon. We got back to our hotel and I decided to lay down for a little while before lunch. About 5 minutes later Audrey came into my room and said Kwami was outside the back fence asking for me and saying he was hungry. Theres been lots of talk as to where the food is going and whos eating it and all that. Regardless, it is not fun to be a starving 8 year old asking a white man for food because you are hungry. Regardless they are starving. Someone is asking for food and why should I be eating in front of these starving little kids? I feel so guilty. So today before lunch me and Audrey went to the front gate to meet Kwami. I brought out some peanuts and she brought out some candy. I was pouring some peanuts in his hands and he was putting them all in his pocket. His whole little pocket was filled with peanuts. Thoughts were running through my head. Was someone asking him to get food from us and taking advantage of him? Or was he so hungry that he was going to just save them for later, for after we left, when he ran out of food and was more starving than he was now. Whatever the case, I was feeling for him and my heart broke for this poor brother of mine. A couple of nights ago Kwami took all the rice from his brothers at dinner when we gave them the waterbottle filled with rice. So today when we were outside giving Kwami peanuts and he was putting them in his pockets I looked at Audrey and said somethings not right. I looked in Kwamis eyes and said Kwami remember that night you took all the rice from your brothers? He nodded. I said who ate that rice? He said nothing. I said did you eat that rice? He nodded.Because you were hungry? More nodding. Not even seconds later, mouth filled with peanuts, he was crying his eyes out. I was on my knees staring in the eyes of an 8 year old in Africa who was trying to tell us something but he was too scared. I said, trying to hold my tears back but it wasn't working, Kwami is someone being mean to you? He said I can't say. Audrey said Kwami you can tell us because we need to help you ok? He said ok but still wouldn't say anything. We said is your uncle mean to you? He, still crying hysterically, nodded his head. Trying to understand the situation and what he was saying, it just didn't matter. It didn't matter who was eating the food it didnt matter that they could barely speak English. It didnt matter what their living situation was or what their family background was. None of that mattered why were we wasting our time trying to figure it all out? What did matter was that this malnurished starving 8 year old in Africa was hungry. And it was my duty, from the Lord, to give him food. Regardless of who says waht and who (if anyone) asks him to get food from us, I will continue feeding him with the word of Christ along with food. Because it is obvious to me that he is hungry. It is embarrasing and shameful first off to even ask someone you barely know and can barely understand for food. So theres no doubt in my mind that he is hungry. 

Lord, thank you for breaking me so that I can grow. Thank you for opening my eyes and making me aware. It shouldn't have taken 20 years for me to realize everything wasn't perfect in the world. Thank you for giving me this awareness and this calling to help your children and my brothers and sisters. I pray that I will inspire others to raise awareness and support for our brothers and sisters suffering like Kwami, Evance, and Richmond around the world. I pray that I will be able to see my brothers once again and I think about them daily. My heart is broken and waiting for you to heal. Thank you for breaking me.